Upstanding is a difficult concept to put into practice, and teaching your child about how to be an Upstander can also be challenging. We want to help you feel confident in your ability to be an Upstander, and help empower your children to do the same.
What is Harm & Violence
The first step to becoming an Upstander is recognizing when harm is being done. Opportunities to be an Upstander are all around us when we know what to look for. ‘Harm and violence’ is any behavior that causes mental, emotional, physical, or social injury of a person or group. Knowing what to look for not only helps enable us to be better Upstanders, but also helps us teach our children.
Examples
Cyberbullying
Dating abuse
Domestic Violence
Hate speech/oppression
Keep in mind
It’s important that we don’t minimize harm that our child might be witnessing or experiencing. Youth might be hesitant to challenge some of the harm they witness, because they think it’s normal. They might also be hesitant to ask for help with harm they’ve witnessed because they worry it will be minimized as “not a big deal.” Youth are experiencing very real issues, just like adults, and it feels difficult to get help when they believe they will be minimized. As parents, we want to make sure we are validating our children’s experiences, so they feel comfortable talking with us.
How to Talk to Your Child about Harm & Violence
Talking with your child about different forms of harm & violence can be challenging to navigate – especially as certain forms of harm and violence are normalized among youth (bullying, cyberbullying, rumor spreading, etc.). It can be helpful to discuss why people harm each other, while making it clear that harming someone else is never OK. When discussing different types of harm & violence, focus on using age-appropriate explanations of harm they might be witnessing. Work to create an environment where your child feels comfortable asking questions, and can rely on you for support. Remember – It’s OK if you don’t have all the answers. There are many resources to help you and your child navigate these conversations.
Bias & Stigma
Bias is the belief that some people, groups, or ideas, are better than others. Stigma is a strong feeling of disapproval that most people in a society have about something. Both bias and stigma are often negative or result in unfair treatment. (Source: Cambridge Dictionary) This can be a difficult discussion for many people to have, however, it’s important that we can recognize how our own bias and stigma can prevent us from being Upstanders, or even contribute to harm! This is also an important concept to help our children understand.
One question many people have is “how does my bias have the ability to contribute to the harm of others?” Here are a few examples!
Bias: Women are always victims of violence and men are always perpetrators of violence.
Impact: We’re less likely to believe a man could be abused by a female partner, and might make jokes or blame them for what they’ve experienced, or be less likely to intervene if we see a woman harming a man. This bias also excludes gender-diverse people from the conversation!
Bias: People can do something to provoke harm (ex: a woman wearing revealing clothing wouldn’t be dressed that way if she didn’t want attention).
Impact: We blame survivors of violence for what has happened to them, and believe that there is something they could have done to avoid the harm.
Bias: Kids are too sensitive and their problems aren’t serious.
Impact: We minimize the true impact that harm and violence has on youth – trivializing their problems and preventing them from seeking help.
Bias: When kids have crushes on each other, they tease or make fun of each other.
Impact: Normalizing that harm can be “cute”, “harmless”, or “endearing” in the right scenario. This also normalizes that making fun of someone or hurting them can be an appropriate way to build a relationship.
When can Upstanding be used?
Upstanding can be used in many different situations, including cyberbullying, rumor spreading, dating abuse, hate speech and oppression, and even mental health struggles. Upstanding can also be used if you believe there is potential that harm is being done. It’s OK to check in and be wrong!
You can Upstand before, during, or after witnessing harm.
Upstanding can also be used when we notice our children struggling. Whether they are struggling with school, relationships, or mental health, Upstanding can be a tool to provide them with needed support and resources. For example:
You notice your child struggling with motivation, not being interested in the hobbies they used to enjoy, and spending less time with friends. You can be an Upstander in this scenario by showing interest and concern, asking questions, and helping them get the help they need. Even if your child isn’t ready to talk about what’s happening, they know they can talk to you when they are ready.
Another way to Upstand with youth is connecting them to resources like a school counselor or therapist if professional help is needed.
How to intervene?
As a parent you will have opportunities to intervene when you see harm and violence in your personal life and you will also be there to help teach your child how to intervene when they see harm and violence.
Intervention can look different depending on the situation and people involved. Learning how to use different forms of intervention, such as direct and indirect intervention, can be vital to knowing how to help in many different situations.
Some examples of direct intervention, or getting directly involved in a situation where you see harm or violence could look like:
Some examples of indirect intervention, or not directly getting involved in a situation where you see harm or violence could look like:
When talking to your child about how to Upstand, remember you are there to help answer their questions and provide support. Avoid making accusatory statements about their involvement, and instead, ask questions about how the situation made them feel, if they wanted to help, and what kept them from doing so.
Role playing situations in which Upstanding can be used can help highlight the different forms of intervention and give your child confidence to intervene.
Upstanding can be difficult and uncomfortable. Talking with your child about these emotions is important. Their discomfort can stop harm and violence but should be recognized. They should be proud of themselves for their efforts. This is also a good time to remind them of the difference between an unsafe and uncomfortable situation.
Personal safety
It is important to teach your child how to intervene safely. If there is potential to bring harm and violence upon themselves then they should not get involved. Talk to your child about situations that would be unsafe and what they can do instead of intervening. Unsafe situations would include:
If your child cannot safely intervene, or they intervene and the situation escalates or becomes unsafe, then they should leave and find an adult to help. Going over resources to help in unsafe situations can help your child know who to call; such as a teacher, law enforcement, security officers, the fire department, or a parent.
What would make a situation unsafe?
Alternative options for if it’s unsafe
Remember that there is a very big difference between being uncomfortable vs unsafe. Upstanding is an uncomfortable thing to do, even if you think you’re doing the right thing. That’s normal and expected! However, Upstanding should not be unsafe
If you’re interested in learning more about Upstanding reach out to Shellie@capsa.org to schedule a training.
24/7 Support Phone:
UTAH: 435-753-2500
IDAHO: 208-540-8536
Mail: P.O. Box 3617, Logan, Utah 84323
Email: info@capsa.org
CAPSA is registered as a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization. Contributions to CAPSA are tax-deductible, to the extent permitted by law.
CAPSA’s tax identification number is 87-0413330.
